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I’m Full of Letters

I wish that meant I was full of Dutch letters, but it’s not.

I have:

  • GERD, which is gastroesophageal reflux disease. It’s terrible acid reflux
  • PMDD or Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
  • GAD or generalized anxiety disorder
  • HBP or high blood pressure

And other non-acronym issues, but the latest possibility threw me for a loop.

A couple friends suggested I might have ADHD. While that thought has crossed my mind, I never put much behind it. When my friends suggested it, I did more research, then slipped into my favorite hypochondriac mode. Yay. More letters to self-diagnose. Wheeeeee!

So, I asked my therapist. This is how that conversation went.

Me: “So, yeah, a few friends have mentioned I might have ADHD–“

Therapist: *face lights up with recognition and urgency*

Me: *internally, ah fuck*

I know that look from my therapist. It’s the “I had that thought, too, and I’ve been meaning to tell you” look, which is exactly what followed when I was done explaining my thoughts.

Of course, I’ve not been officially diagnosed, and I’m not sure I ever will. I don’t have health insurance, and I have no desire to be on another medication. Plus, if I’ve gotten this far in life, I can continue to cope.

But I admit I was pretty upset yesterday, and I spent the whole day in a fog of processing.

I trust my brain. But adding another mental health concern made me feel like an unreliable narrator. Was my brain leading my down the wrong paths, and everyone around me has always just placated and tolerated my whims and ramblings? How can a person have anxiety, depression, PMDD, and ADHD and have a single clear thought?

Turns out, the additional part of being upset was a realization that I judge ADHD sufferers harshly. That wasn’t a nice thing to have thrown in my face in the way it was.

However, I have had multiple friends (women, specifically) tell me they also have ADHD, and suddenly, I had my biases challenged in the best way possible: People I love have are full of letters too.

motivational simple inscription against doubts
Photo by Olya Kobruseva on

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