When I’m alone, I’m a model, an actress, a celebrity, an interviewer and interviewee. I’m the lover of an endless line of famous men. I have millions of dollars at my disposal. I’m thin. I’m in shape. I’m pretty. I say whatever I want without fear. I have witty comebacks. I’m devastating in all ways especially as a dancer and singer. I’m who I want to be, but I’m pretending to be someone I’m not.
It begs the question: What if that’s the real me, and I’m simply not letting her out (sans the lover of an endless line of famous men because, in reality, that sounds exhausting)?
The commonality among my imaginary roles is confidence. Yet none of us need to be any of those things to be confident. I need not be thin or in shape to feel like I own the space around me. I need not be a model (for anyone but myself) to feel like I can be self-assured.
I don’t feel that way at all. The divide still exists. I’m terrified of singing around anyone (I’m not a great singer; I just enjoy it). I do not dance with any measure of seriousness in front of anyone because I’m physically awkward. I’ve had people in the community refer to me as a “celebrity” when they meet me, and I instantly cringe because it feels incongruous. It reminds me of how much lesser I feel compared to who I am when I’m alone.
Wholeness is to be the same inside and out, to be one’s self when alone or with others. It is the part of wholeness I find the hardest to embrace. The opinions of others weigh too heavily on my ego if I put myself out there in new ways.
This is not who I want to be. I am always the clever, talented woman in the mirror. I need to shatter the glass.
What are you doing to connect to your wholeness this week?
I’m getting my first massage since December 2019 (everything on me hurts), and I’m giving Inner Space’s Salt Lounge a try for the first time in the hopes that it clears out my tree-pollen soaked sinuses. Beyond that, I’m indulging in my hobbies: Cubs baseball (nine-game stretch!), virtually attending a gender equity and finance conference, and trying new-to-me foods.
While the conference will get me riled up and experiencing new things will make me scurred, I’ll be feeding my wholeness by making sure I indulge in humanity. I hope you’re joining me in this! Tell me about your self-care plans this week!
Wholeness through Goals
What goals nourish your wholeness?
As mentioned in a series of Instagram stories on Monday (I’m thinking about moving all IG stories here once they expire, but I digress), Hubster and I post-vaccination vacationed in downtown Chicago over the weekend, and my soul sang an entire damn musical about rejuvenation, and not the kind the beauty industry tries to sell. I mean real, spiritual, world-connectedness, humanity-nourishing rejuvenation. I often say the end of Navy Pier is my soul-reset spot, but Navy Pier is still closed, so we didn’t get there. Turns out, maybe it’s just anywhere with above floor fifteen along Lake Shore Drive.
I love Des Moines, and I’m weirdly defensive about Iowa, but after this trip, it hit me how much I hate this state. I tried. I really tried to love it here. After living in Kansas and coming back, I did love it here for several years because I knew how shitty it could be elsewhere.
But I need to be in a place where tobacco-chewing White dudes in beat-up White pickups aren’t coal-rolling people for having Bernie stickers. I need a lot less Trump nonsense in my life, and a lot more “I ain’t got time for your shit, but in a friendly way” people who get out of your way, let you do your thing, and don’t try to control what bathroom you use. You know. Chicagoans.
Sadly, we can’t move out of state for some time. Our parents are aging, and both moms have had major health issues this year. We stay for them.
If we’re going to stay, I decided I need to remember what makes me vibrate on my favorite frequency. So, I set (or really reset) new goals:
Seek out new experiences in DSM
Improve my physical health
Revamp my finances
Later this week, I’ll expand on these and what they mean for Whole Damn Woman and maybe for you!
Wholeness through Community a.k.a. All the Fucking Food
How will you build wholeness in your community this week?
Y’all! I have SO MANY FOOD DATABASE UPDATES for this week. I have at least 40. Shit’s getting real! I’ll have those probably tomorrow, but I also planned a full database update tomorrow, so it’s gonna take me all damn day. Still. It’s worth it. Knowing what new stuff we have helps me with connecting with the community.
I’m excited to see what all you plan to try this summer. Though, I do caution you. I’m still not dining in. This is all food trucks, take out, delivery, and *maybe* patios. Do local restaurants a favor and be kind to them. Staffing is super low, diners are super assholey, and serving minimum wage is still only $4.35.
Beyond that, I’m finally delving into local food trucks, specifically taco trucks. Because taco trucks were so heavily stigmatized during my childhood (I was taught they were drug dealers . . . not racist at all), I’ve long avoided them. This year, fuck that. I’m gonna try all the things! This week, I’m trying Tacos Degollado (Tacos slain? Tacos beheaded? Tacos that slay? What even does that mean?).
I’m also picking up some yums from Bread by Chelsa B this week. Long live the home baker!
Tell me what you’re eating this week! I wanna know what you’re doing to stay connected to your community.